Here's a good Irish joke to try on your pals:

Q: What did St Patrick say as he drove the snakes out of Ireland?

A: "Are ye all right in the back lads?" [said as you imitate driving with your hands and look behind you]!

The second item allegedly appeared in an Irish newspaper a few years ago. Even if it didn't, it is still a good yarn!

The third piece is taken from the court reports of the Irish Times, one of Ireland's quality broadsheets. If you don't believe me, check it for yourself in the Irish Times, 18 May 2000. Nothing has been altered - however, the bold text marking is mine (I couldn't resist it)! It has inspired the name of this page.

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  • Blue Volkswagen Golf
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  • Original brakes
  • Original fuel and oil
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See Photo [click here]

o o o O O O o o o

A driver whose headlights were not working drove his car while leaning out of the window with a flashlight. Patrick Mc******, of ******, Co Wicklow, pleaded guilty at the District Court to 34 road traffic offences including drink driving and driving without insurance. Sgt Pat Cody and Garda Denis Reilly stopped Mc******* on February 12th at Ballinabarney [editor's note: remote country village in Co. Wicklow with roads barely the width of a mini]. They found him leaning out the window and illuminating the road with a torch.

At a previous hearing, the defendant told Judge Donnacha O' Buachalla that he was on heavy medication including sleeping tablets, heart tablets, panic attack and nerve tablets. "Some of these tablets are very strong and if you took a drink with them, they'd kill you stone dead," he said.

"We wouldn't want that to happen," the judge said.

At yesterday's sitting the judge asked Mc******* to commit himself to a reform programme. There was a place arranged for him in Athy to assist him with his drinking problem and he agreed to go there. He told the judge that his wife had left him for six weeks but she had returned with the children and had given him a choice. "She said I would have to choose between her and the drink," he told the judge.

The case was adjourned to July 18th to review Mc******* 's progress.

St Michan's church in Dublin has vaults in which entombed bodies have been preserved in its unusual atmosphere. Matthew Byrne's book notes that the Dublin-born author of Dracula, Bram Stoker, visited the vaults and that popular opinion believed they were the inspiration for his Dracula story.

St Michan's vaults also hold the bodies for the Sheares brothers, hanged for their part in the 1798 rising. A reprieve arrived for Henry Sheares two days after hanging. (from Byrne's book)

TEXAS TOURIST (in conversation with Irish country farmer): "Back home it takes me the best part of a day to drive from one side of my ranch to the other"

FARMER: "Ah sure, I had a car like that once...!"

GUEST JOKE SPOT

Thanks to Greg of Dublin for this one:

  • A Dubliner and his wife were stopped for speeding in the gaeltacht (Irish speaking area in the west of ireland).
  • "Cad is ainim duit?" said the garda
  • "Sean" the Dub replied
  • "Agus do bheann?"
  • "Toyota Hiace"
  • EXPLANATION FOR NON-IRISH SPEAKERS!
  • "Cad is ainim duit?" What is your name?
  • "Agus do bheann?" And your wife?
  • The word for wife, 'bheann' is pronounced 'Van'!

Homer 2 >

Homer O'Simpson: Irish humour and jokes 1

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